For decades, conflict coaches have been preaching that you should give feedback, actively listen, etc... in conflicts. All wrong! Says Gery Thomann. 

These two issues are at the centre of conflicts:

- When do I react offended?

- When do I get angry?

If the limbic system goes haywire, all rationalisation is useless! Experienced mediators report of mediations that were cancelled 10 seconds before the final signature because one party to the conflict was grinning maliciously (in the eyes of the other). The limbic system sends its regards.

Thomann recommends clarification, not a solution. Conflicts cannot be resolved. 

Fritz Glasl is regarded as a conflict guru in our part of the world. His conflict level model is widely used and very helpful. 

He describes 9 stages of the conflict, and divides them again into 3x3 stages:

1-3 win-win (both can win): Hardening, debate, actions instead of words

4-6 win-loose (you or me): Coalition, loss of face, blackmail

7-9 loose-loose (war): Limited annihilation, destruction of the opponent, together into the abyss

It is important to distinguish between hot and cold conflicts. Hot ones are a little easier to solve because the problems are on the table. Hot conflicts up to level 4 can be resolved by the self-healing powers of the system. Cold to level 3. This requires help from uninvolved professionals.