True appreciation is to relentlessly confront your counterpart with your own reality...
Definitions and background
What appreciation is can be shown simply by the following thought experiment:
When do you feel valued? Typically when someone takes you as you are. When someone listens to you without changing or judging you. When you have the feeling that I can be who I am.
What does giving appreciation mean?
Listening in order to want to understand.
Don't judge, don't evaluate
Our brains are world champions in evaluating, comparing and wanting to change. That's why showing appreciation is a challenge for many people. One way that often helps is to distract yourself from judgement by saying to yourself: "I want to understand exactly how the other person feels and feels."
Before I can show appreciation to others, it is important to listen to myself. This is the only way I can be attentive to others.
Session with yourself.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them honestly. The answers are intended exclusively for you. Notes are given in italics below the questions.
- How am I doing?
Ask yourself a few times. And wait until you get an answer. It is unusual because we are not used to such questions. Unfortunately. - What is the name of the feeling I have right now?
People often describe situations without naming the feeling they trigger. Name it.
Tense, relaxed, nervous, calm, interested, bored, angry, sad, happy, satisfied?
- What do I need right now? What would do me good?
Which of these could I give myself? Take a few steps, breathe deeply, have a drink, say something to myself, …
Exercise for two
Divide into two roles: One person asks questions, the other provides information. The person asking the question leads the conversation. All instructions below are for you.
The enquiry techniques can be greatly expanded, allowing the conversation to be managed in a very respectful way:
| Control direction | Description, technology | Examples |
|---|---|---|
| Clarification of statements | Enquiry, shared understanding of emotions. | "You seem to me..." "What do you mean when you say..." |
| Allow to address own | Ask open questions. | "How are you?" |
| Appreciating the condition | Expression of appreciative recognition. | "That must have been a difficult decision for you." "It seems like it's a bit easier for you now." |
| Normalise | Expression of normality with regard to the current situation | "Many people feel that way." |
| Validate | Expression of the appropriateness / comprehensibility of the current situation | "It's understandable that you acted like that in this situation." |
| Encourage the expression of feelings | Question about the current moods | "It's important for me to understand how you're dealing with this situation." |
| Recognition of burdens or efforts | Expression of recognition | "I think it's remarkable how you handle it." |
Transferred to the management context from instructions on dealing with fear in doctor-patient dialogue.
Clarification
Strictly speaking, we cannot evaluate. Our brain is an evaluation machine. However, we can become aware of the evaluations. And that gives you the necessary freedom to attach more or less importance to them. In Viktor Frankl's words: "There is a space between stimulus and reaction. In this space lies our power to choose our response. Our development and our freedom lie in our reaction."
Sources and further links
- Summary of the relevant literature
- Listening in order to want to understand leans heavily on Carl Rogers' concept of empathy
- Thank you very much for the important clarification (see paragraph Clarification), Aline Rousselot